tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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