My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
