Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
