im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
