i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
