I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
