i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
worst night to have a conscience
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
