you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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