I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
