If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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