Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
