They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
