guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
