I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
