i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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