I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
