Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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