i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
