Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
