I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize