Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
