but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
