How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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