I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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