Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
