Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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