To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize