I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
