I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
