i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
