Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
