she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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