Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
