Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
