every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
