it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize