oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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