I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
