She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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