he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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