I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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