He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
