Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
