She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
