There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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