you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
