where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
