WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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