Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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