Kareoke will never be a sober sport
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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