My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
