upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They took my balls.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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