my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize