Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize