Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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